Weighed in at the Dr.’s office at 276 today.  She said I’m down 35 lbs since I started seeing her (@ 2 years ago).  Certainly that’s much slower weight loss than I would hope for, but I am SO PROUD that the yo-yoing seems to have stopped.    Over this time I’ve gained bits of it back,  but no more than 7-8 lbs, and I’m back toward the lower end.    Now is where the difficulty begins.  275 seems to be one of those “set points” for me.  It’s really hard for me to move beyond.  I’ll occasionally make it down to about 272, but then bounce back up.  I am determined to make it happen this time.

I started WW on line on May 23.  I have logged every bite of food I’ve taken, and I’ve stayed within points the entire time .  I don’t know how much I lost the first week because I guessed at my starting weight and so the log shows a 2.4 lb. gain for that week.  But I lost 1.2 lbs week 2, and 3.2 lbs last week.  I’d give anything to drop below 275 when I weigh in on Monday, and I feel like I might be able to do it!

Blood pressure was 114/82 this morning.  Pretty impressive!

I think that will do it I had a lot I thought I wanted to write but it’s not happening and I’m not inclined to push it.  But I did want to record my health progress.  It’s major!

Husband:  Wow.

Estherwood:  As a matter of fact, I am down a full Thirty Pounds since I bought those DVDs.  **Gestures toward Jillian Michaels Boxed Set on TV Stand.  [Only one of the six has been opened, and that one was partially viewed on my laptop]**

Husband:  Have you Really?  That’s pretty impressive.

Estherwood:  You can borrow the DVD’s if you want to.

God’s Will (seek & obey the will of God)

Humor (see humorous side of myself and world)

Pleasure (feel good)

Health (be physically well and healthy)

Genuineness (act in a manner true to who I am)

Loving (give love to others)

Inner Peace (experience personal peace)

Compassion (feel and act on concern for others)

Hope (maintain a positive and optimistic outlook)

Dependability (be reliable and trustworthy)

This is some hard (internal) work and some deep thinkin’!

If I could just keep my mouth shut, then I wouldn’t be reduced to junior high behavior of wondering (or worse yet, going around and asking people) who talked to Deb.  Frankly, I can’t imagine ANYONE having legitimate reason for  conversation on this topic.   I didn’t say anything untrue, so I don’t have to apologize or make excuses.    On the other hand, I did not expect  have to answer this stuff NOW.    I am so f—ing sick of  mapping out what I want to talk about, when and how I will raise it, and then Deb  forcing  discussions  on HER timeframe.

I should have Kept my Pie-hole Shut!

Tuesday I forgot to take my meds, and felt better than I have in ages.  Husband though it might be the statin drug.   I tested it by not taking it yesterday and today.  Today I feel like I could actually go to the gym.  Seriously, the muscle aches and fatigue were so bad that we had gone out to a diner for dinner, and I just said, I’m too tired to eat this meal.  My FACE was aching from trying to chew my sandwich (a tuna melt), and my back was complaining from trying to sit upright in the booth.  I honestly didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I started to snap out of it.  I emailed my new, fabulous Dr., who agreed that I should stay off the statin (even though it managed to lower my cholesterol from 232 to 169) until I see her next (two weeks from today).  I’ve been eating appropriately, and hope that with my body beginning to recover, I might actually get in some EXERCISE, and I’m excited about it!

ALSO, I got back in touch with my BDF (best diva forever) who is also struggling, despite having a fun summer, so I’m feeling a lot less lonely and forlorn about this.    And with that support re-established, I’m feeling a lot more able to pursue other stuff.

And I read someone’s blog today about realizing at age 55, he probably only has 20 years left, MAX, to do stuff he wants to do, and it sunk in.  Not so much that I have a bucket list, exactly, but I also probably have only 20-30 years of relatively decent health to do stuff.  But not in the condition I’m in.  Not only are the years, most certainly reduced, but my ability to live the life I want to be living is so impacted by my current physical shape.  That needs to change NOW.

That’s where I’m at, and furthermore, I’m inclined to write about it.

Yesterday, I ate a crazy (but delicious) lunch that involved turkey and pepperjack cheese wrapped with salad greens in a (9 g. fiber) flat-out wrap, and strawberries, blueberries, banana and a peach.  Frankly, I expected digestive repercussions, but they were really minimal.  M. and I went to Denny’s for dinner and I had a Superbird (because I know how to count it), and a side salad instead of the fries (go me!).  I also drank @ 48 oz of water.

I have a similar eating plan today (sans banana, because I ate the last one yesterday), but am worried about the next three: We drive down to DC tomorrow to scope out apartments.  That is one long day in the car, and I don’t want to drink a lot of water, for obvious reasons.  I hope that on Saturday and Sunday we’ll be running around enough that exercise will compensate for the inevitable poor food choices.  And then Monday will be another long day in the car.

What keep remembering is that I came back from graduation a couple of pounds lighter.  Seems like I ought to be able to do the same this time.  I know there’s a pool and think there may be an exercise room at the motel.  Do I dare try them out???     I think I better take my gear just in case, because it will provide an opportunity for M. and I to get a little distance too.  I wonder if he’s dreading 4 days in tight quarters with his mom, the same way I’m dreading the cruise?? I guess I’ll just have to keep that in mind . . .

Looking for an apartment for M. is bittersweet.  I worry about him so much more than my daughter.  I don’t think it’s exactly the mothers & sons thing – in many ways I  granted him more freedom & discretion growing up – he’s just a different sort of kid, because I knew, for the most part, he wasn’t going to be trying to pull stuff on me.  In his relative adulthood, I worry though because he’s one of the most gullible, trusting people I know.

So, while I’m pretty amazed at what I’ve been able to do over the past couple of weeks, in terms of weight loss and disciplined eating,  I’m pretty churned up about this trip, but determined not to let it throw me off course.  Hopefully, I’ll remember to weigh in tomorrow; otherwise, my next will be on Tuesday, 5/26, when I plan to see a number of 302 or less–unless, of course, that’s the day I get disappointed….

Yeah, I am feeling like I can do this… I AM doing it!

According to my scale, I’m down 4 lbs. from a week ago, which I’m pretty proud of.

This morning, I’ve gathered two bags of trash, pre-treated a load of laundry, and gathered the bottles I’ll take back to the store when I take Ruth.  My hopes for the afternoon:  More Laundry, a trip to the goodwill, unload/reload dishwasher and shine my sink.  I’d like to make dinner this evening (for the first time in months), and do enough decluttering to fill our dumpster.  If the weather’s decent, I’d like to make some progress in the yard, as well.

M. and I are planning to go down to DC next weekend to look for apts. for him.  The following weekend is full of Jack’s memorial service, and the following weekend, I fly off to Rome.

Time:  Where does it go?

So here’s where I am now: I have 24 days before I leave for the cruise. In that 24 days I need to lose 150 lbs. Okay, not so realistic. I’d like to lose 10, which is aggressive, but I have SO MUCH to lose, that I think 3 lbs. per week is do-able, considering everything else on my dance card.  I really need to be under 300 when I leave.

We have to find a place for M. to live in Washington, DC, before I leave for the cruise, since his training starts just a few days after my return – means Husb. may have to take charge of getting  him moved down there! Yipes!

We have to figure out a way to finance the hypothetical new place in DC, since M. does not get his housing stipend until after he completes his training at the end of August, which is LAME. Probably doesn’t get first paycheck until mid September, either. So probably we need to figure out a way to pay at least 4 mos. rent & other living expenses in Washington, DC. Awesome. If I can find the $2500 check my mother sent me in January that would help a lot.

Which brings me to the other thing that has to happen: Getting some order in my freakin’ house! It is just unacceptable. I could tell that M., who is usually unbelievably laid back and gracious was really displeased by the state of our housekeeping. I remarked that I’d have time to do a lot this evening after work since I get out at 4 (and trash collection is tomorrow a.m.), but of course forgot that I have Mission Committee at 5:30, so probably won’t be getting home before 6:30.

No Matter what, though, the dumpster and the recycle bin we put out at the curb this evening will be FULL, if not overflowing.

I thought I had taken some cute photos at graduation, but they turned out to be poorly composed as per usual – and I had the typical number of my own hem, feet, inside of my purse, etc. Why I cannot get the hang of basic casual photography is beyond me.  That’s something else I need to learn in the next 24 days.  AAARGH!

It’s my own fault. Every damned bit of it. I’ve let my crazy chaotic life interfere with my goals. I get overwhelmed so easily — and turn immediately to food and go into veg-out mode. I’m tired. I’m tired because I’m fat. I don’t sleep well because I’m stressed, but also because all my joints ache from the weight I’m carrying around, and because I get reflux from eating stuff I shouldn’t in the evening.

And while I keep saying I’m going to get my life under control, as soon as I say “no,” to one thing, I take on something else. I’ve got to get it sorted out. But in the meantime, I’ve got to stop letting it stop me from doing what I need to do!

I am ASHAMED of the house that my son will come home to! Crap piled everywhere! food mess. Clothes mess. Paper mess. There’s nowhere for him to put his stuff. This is not the mom I want to be or the home I want him to remember!

This is the day that it changes. All of it. Bold statement to make on a day that I’m going to spend at least 6 straight hours in the car. But there are also opportunities here. There’s a lot to do to get ready. We’re not leaving for several hours. I’m doing laundry now, and could actually get a couple of loads done before we go. I need to take out trash, clean the cat box, unload and reload the dishwasher, and do a bit of shopping. I have a chance to do some serious movement, and to launch an attack on the physical mess, and I have plenty of time to rest afterward — how ’bout I do that? The choice is mine. Can I make the right choices? And an hour from now, and an hour after that? And after we get to Wooster, can I choose to exercise instead of vegging in front of the TV? Can I make the right food choices.?

How mindful,and how determined can I be this weekend? Can I keep it together for 4 days? Or 4 minutes, even?

Right this very minute, I’m going to stop and ask God’s help, because clearly, I’m not able to do this on my own.